Monitoring and surveillance
Checking, tracking, and needing to know where you are.
What it looks like
Location sharing that can't be turned off, demands to see your phone, questions that are really tests, or an account of your day that you're expected to justify.
Things people actually hear
- "Why did it take you 40 minutes to reply?"
- "If you've got nothing to hide, unlock it."
- "I saw you were at the shops at 6. You said you were working."
Why it works
Monitoring is often framed as trust-building: if you're honest, you won't mind. But surveillance doesn't build trust, it replaces it.
Watch for the direction of travel. Does the checking ever end, or does each thing you agree to become the new baseline for the next request?
Note also whether it is mutual. One-directional access to phones, accounts and locations is a power arrangement, not a shared value.
Safety point: if you think a device or account is being monitored, be careful about researching this on it. Use a device the other person cannot access.
One way to respond
"I'm happy to tell you about my day because I want to, not because I owe you an account of it. I'm not going to hand over my phone."
Only use a script like this if it's safe to. If pushing back has consequences for you, safety comes first — see Get help.
Educational content only. Not a diagnosis, and not legal, medical or therapeutic advice.