Keeping a record, safely
Coercive control is hard to describe later because each incident is small and the whole point is that you end up doubting the sequence. A dated log fixes the sequence. This page gives you the format and the safety rules that go with it.
Educational content, written from published research and recognized domestic-violence resources. How this content is developed. MendRii is general-public educational software — not a clinical service, assessment or professional advice.
Safety before anything else
- Do not keep the log on a shared device, a shared cloud account, or a device the other person has ever had access to.
- A paper notebook kept at work, at a friend's house, or with a solicitor is often safer than anything digital.
- If you use email, use an account created on a safe device with a password never used elsewhere.
- Being discovered keeping a record can escalate things. Weigh that first.
What to write down
- Date and time. Contemporaneous notes — written the same day — carry far more weight later than a summary written months afterwards.
- Facts before feelings. Write what happened first, in order, then what it meant for you. Both matter; keeping them separate keeps the record clear.
- Exact words. Quote where you can. Paraphrase honestly where you can't, and mark it as a paraphrase.
- Effects, not just events. Coercive control is legally and clinically understood through its effect on your freedom — what you stopped doing, who you stopped seeing, what you had to ask permission for.
- Where the evidence lives. You do not need to attach it; note that the message thread, photo or receipt exists and where.
- Never edit an old entry. Add a new dated line instead. An edited record is a weaker record.
Incident log template
Fill this in to see the shape of a good entry, then print it or copy it somewhere safe. Nothing here is sent anywhere or saved by MendRii — it stays in this browser tab only.
As exact as you can manage.
Plain facts, in order.
Exact words where you remember them.
Names, or 'nobody'.
Screenshot, photo, message thread, receipt.
What you did or stopped doing afterwards.
MendRii is not an evidence tool and nothing here is legal advice. Whether a record helps in a legal process depends entirely on where you live — ask an advocate or a lawyer. See Get help for confidential services near you.